proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
