my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
