Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
