it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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