pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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