He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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