i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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