My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
