Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
