i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
