Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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