Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... ๐ฏ๐๐๐
Do I even want to know?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
how do you say โi know we havenโt hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other dayโ without coming on too strong
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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