alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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