The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
