are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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