Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
