she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
