If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
