Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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