you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I am midnight drunk by noon
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
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Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
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You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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