Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
