She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
