On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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