When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
