dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
