I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
