More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
