Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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