I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
