Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
