I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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