Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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