she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
