We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
