I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
