My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
