I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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