The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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