Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
