I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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