ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
