I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
