You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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