A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
