Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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