I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
