last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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