She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
