Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
