I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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