cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
