Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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