Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
