I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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