I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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