Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
