sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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